Final Fantasy Rejects
by Tainted Sugar
Summary: Do these clowns really have what it takes to be the next Final Fantasy heros? Very doubtful.
1. Don't Quit Your Day Job

Ok I'm not sure whether I'm going to write this or not. I might write it in the future, but I need to now what people think of it first. It's just a sample. Read and tell me what you think ok? Thanks! ;p  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: Don't Quit Your Day Job  
  
"Next!"  
  
"Ha ha! This is it. Finally my dream will be realized. I Phoenix Leonhart will become the next Final Fantasy stud to grace the scene. Hot girls will bow at my feet and…"  
  
"Next!"  
  
"...People will realize who the true hero is to bare the Leonhart name!"  
  
"Next!"  
  
"I'll be famous, adored, my fans will build a shrine in my honor! I'll even get my own website!"  
  
"Hey asshole you're holding up the line!"  
  
"Huh?" Phoenix finally snapped out of his egotistical coma to meet the eyes of many angry hopefuls. He had been waiting in line for over three hours. It would have been shorter but he had been the victim of some very bad convenience store burritos and had to haul ass to the men's room, losing his spot in line. He walked up to the table, smiled, winked and handed the interviewer his resume.  
  
"Hmm. Phoenix Leonhart eh?" the woman glanced through his rather short resume.  
  
"Yes, Leonhart. I'm sure that name rings a bell. I'm Squall Leonhart's cousin. I did all his stunt work in Final Fantasy VIII." He smiled wide as if just mentioning that name would be his ticket into the final two. The woman just looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"You did all his stunt work?"  
  
"Uh yeah of course! I mean Squall's a good guy and all, but all he is is eye candy. I'm the one who made him man he is today. He tells me that all the time, in fact he said that just the other day over lunch."  
  
The truth of the matter is Phoenix didn't do any of Squall's stunts. Phoenix just showed up on the set everyday, eating all the food and drinking all the coffee. He'd get right up behind the director shouting out "helpful" tips on how Squall could add some pizzazz to his performance and explaining how he would have done things had he been in the game instead of Squall. Long story short, Squall had him "kindly" removed and filed a restraining order. They haven't talked since, or rather Squall deletes the 30 something phone messages from his answering machine everyday.  
  
A few lines over a tall, attractive, dark haired woman stood in line. She stood very confidently, holding her very thick resume in hand. As she approached the front of the line she handed the papers to the young mad sitting in front of her.  
  
"Name" he said, tossing her resume aside. She twitched a little at the sight of it.  
  
"Anya Mooredock" she said with head held high.  
  
"Position you're auditioning for?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" she was beginning to get annoyed with him. "I'm going for the role of the fierce, feisty, heroine who kicks major butt while wearing very skimpy clothing!"  
  
"Mm hmm…yeah well you've got the look, but if I were you I'd think about auditioning for some other roles."  
  
"What? What for?"  
  
"There are lot's of women trying out for that part, your chances are pretty slim. If I were you I'd try out for something else as back up."  
  
"Well…what other parts are there?" she didn't really want to go for any other part, but she didn't want to miss her chance to get into the next Final Fantasy game.  
  
"Let's see… instead of the cool sexy woman who kicks lot's of ass you can be the…ah here we are…you can play the somewhat beautiful lead female who is really annoying, totally useless, the only thing she can do is healing, wants everyone to feel sorry for her and is always running off and getting everyone killed!"  
  
"What?! I'm not playing that shit! That's insulting!" she reached over the table and grabbed the young man by his collar. "Do I look like I should be playing that role maggot?"  
  
"N…no" he gulped. "I'll just put you on the list…heh heh"  
  
"Damn straight!" she let him go, sending him flying back into his chair.  
  
Anya left the line even surer than before that the part was hers. Se went over to the waiting area with the others and sat down. Her dream was finally coming true. It had been a dream of hers ever since she was little to become just like her idol Tifa Lockhart. She was off in a daze smiling to herself, until she realized the person sitting next to her was looking at her, her breasts to be exact. She slowly looked over to find Phoenix ogling her boobs. She scowled.  
  
"Do you mind?" she hissed.  
  
"Nope!" he grinned.  
  
"Uh you're disgusting" Anya rolled her eyes.  
  
"Are those real?" Phoenix began to reach out his hand toward her chest; he wasn't one for subtlety.  
  
*SLAP*  
  
Phoenix went flying across the room landing on a cactus. Anya growled and got up from her seat. She refused to sit and deal with men like that. She was almost toward the door when Phoenix stepped in front of her, cactus needles still protruding from his rear and face.  
  
"So can I call you?" he said plucking a needle from his pants.  
  
"You've got to be kidding"  
  
"What? You don't have a phone?" he was serious.  
  
"Ok…" she smiled. "You can call me. You got paper?"  
  
"Oh hot damn!" he said quickly checking his pockets; he pulled out some paper and a pen, ready to get the digits.  
  
"Ok…it's 123-4567"  
  
"Oh yeah 123-4567. Be expecting to hear from me tonight sweet thing!" he winked at her, kissing the paper. The ink from it smeared onto his lips.  
  
"Uh huh" Anya smiled, trying desperately not to laugh at this moron who now had the number printed across his mouth.  
  
As he walked off triumphantly, believing he was a total stud, Anya fell to the ground laughing hysterically.  
  
"What a dumbass! Luckily for me he'll never make it into the finals!" 


	2. Leave Your Identity at the Door

Chapter 2: Leave Your Identity at the Door  
  
"Well we thought it over and we really think you'd fit the part."  
  
"Really? That's great!" Indiana smiled pushing up his glasses. "I'm really going to enjoy playing the part of the mysterious, quiet stranger."  
  
"Uh…about that…you see we already found someone to fill that part" mumbled the director "you'll be playing the part of the goofy, idiotic, fun loving comic relief!"  
  
"Wha…what?" his glasses nearly fell off his face.  
  
This is not how he had planned things. In fact, this isn't even what he wanted. He never wanted to be a star. His controlling mother had forced him into it. He enjoyed a nice quiet peaceful existence reading his books. If he was being forced into this charade he preferred to play the mysterious recluse who had the least speaking parts and minimal interaction with the other characters. Now they wanted him to play the comic relief? He didn't have an ounce of humor in his entire body.  
  
"Now first off we'll have to change your look. I'm not really feeling the whole…"  
  
"Geek look?" chimed in his assistant.  
  
"Yes! Exactly! Now first we need to get rid of those glasses…and that tie has to go."  
  
The assistant jumped on poor Indiana like a dog. He snatched his glasses off revealing his handsome, boyish face. Then he went for the tie, nearly choking Indiana in the process.  
  
"Hey excuse me do you mind I…" Indiana blurted out.  
  
"Shut up. Now, you're gonna need some bright wacky clothes, something that says 'I'm crazy, I'm loony, I don't know how to dress myself!' You'll also need a crazy hairdo too. Mess up his hair, spike it up!"  
  
It all happened so fast Indiana could do nothing to stop it. Next thing he knew he was wearing a black turtleneck cut off at the stomach, blue jean overalls with one leg at regular length and the other cut off at the knee and ridiculous shiny red sneakers. His dirty blonde hair was spiked and fake tattoos were put on his arms and face. He felt like an idiot…he looked like one too.  
  
"Look" Indiana fidgeted, trying to find some comfort in his new digs "I can't do this, this just isn't me."  
  
"Of course it is! Another thing, loose the English accent, it's doesn't fit."  
  
"You know he should have a catch phrase, something funny and zany, something the kids will like. It's gotta be cool and hip!" suggested the assistant, scribbling on his clipboard.  
  
"Yes that's a brilliant! It's a good thing I haven't fired you yet! Now let's see…you'll say…"  
  
"Shibby!" the assistant yelled out. "All the kids these days are saying it. It's from that movie 'Dude I Have A Car'.  
  
"Isn't it 'Dude Where's My Car'?"  
  
"Whatever it's hot!"  
  
"Then it's settled, anytime you're excited about something you'll say 'shibby'. Oh and we'll be shortening your name, it's Indi now. The kids will relate to that more."  
  
"No! No, no, no! I don't wear these clothes, I don't spike my hair and I don't say 'shibby'! This is ridiculous! I refuse to play this part!"  
  
"Hmm what did you say Indi baby? I wasn't paying attention." The director said, chatting away with his assistant.  
  
"Oh bloody hell!" a large vein began to protrude from Indi's head.  
  
He consider just walking out, leaving them to find some other sap to play this ridiculous part. Then he remembered his mother and how much she wanted this for him. He knew she'd find out about this one way or another. She'd either throw one hell of a sobbing guilt trip, or one hell of a tantrum, neither one of which he wanted to be present for. He sucked up his pride, lowered his head and walked back into the room.  
  
"Shibby…oh bullocks." 


	3. Look Who Comes Crawling Back

Chapter 3: Look Who Comes Crawling Back  
  
"Come on squall, you just got help me get into the final two, I can take it from there!"  
  
"Again, how did you get this number?"  
  
"I mean it's not that I'm not perfectly capable, I am, it's just it would really help if I was assured a spot in the final two. Granted I'm way better than the rest of those chumps, but it never hurts to have that extra push."  
  
"Isn't that restraining order I put on you still in affect?"  
  
"Besides it'll only prove to the rest of them just how much of a superstar I really am. It runs in the bloodline!"  
  
"Did Zell give you this number? I knew he never got over me calling him a chicken wuss."  
  
"Squall baby your not focusing on the big picture. I need you to come through for me!"  
  
"Phoenix I don't know how you got this number, but unless you want me to call the cops, which I'm seriously considering doing, you'll forget it. Don't you get it? I don't like you! I'll never like you. The only reason I'm forced to deal with your dumb ass is because we're related. For the last time just leave me alone!"  
  
"Tsk, tsk" Phoenix sighed into the phone " I didn't want to have to do this cuz, but you've forced me to play dirty."  
  
"Excuse me?" Squall was beyond irritated at this point.  
  
"If you don't help me get into the call backs then I'll tell everyone what you did at the Christmas party two years ago. I don't think Rinoa will be too happy to hear about it either…"  
  
There was a long pause over the phone, Phoenix continued.  
  
"I'll just have to let everyone now that I saw you frenching Seifer in the bathroom at the Christmas party."  
  
"I was drunk" Squall was really holding back the anger; he knew exactly what Phoenix was talking about.  
  
"I was drunk damnit!"  
  
"Not the way I'm gonna tell it!" if Squall could only see the huge grin on his face. Phoenix had an annoying way of blowing things way out of proportion. If this got out through Phoenix's lips Squall would end up more flaming than Selphie's hair during that Fourth of July firecracker accident. There was a very long pause on Squall's side of the phone. Finally he spoke.  
  
"I'll get you in," he said calmly and emotionless before quickly hanging up the phone.  
  
"All right!" Phoenix exclaimed. "Squall? Squall? Ah well I got what I wanted." He hung up the phone and fell back onto his bed, resting his cordless on his bare chest.  
  
Now understand, Phoenix is a very attractive fellow. It runs in the family. Just look at Squall and his hot pop Laguna! He had the whole bad boy look, right down to the leather and the short messy black hair. He had the body of a Greek god. So why was it that he had such bad luck with the ladies? Easy, the man was an idiot, dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. Well he's not ugly, but it just goes along with the saying. Anyway he lay there on his bed when it suddenly dawned on him that he had that beautiful woman's number still in his pocket, the woman from the auditions. With all that was going on he had completely forgotten to call. In his mind she was probably crying herself silly, about to slit her wrists because this hot stud hadn't picked up the phone. He grinned madly to himself fantasizing about what her voice would sound like on the phone, or what she'd be wearing, absolutely nothing if he was lucky. He giggled like crazy as he picked of the phone and started pounding buttons.  
  
"123-4567. Oh yeah baby, get ready to board the S.S. Phoenix driven by your captain of love!" he said in his best "sexy" voice as he heard the phone ring…and ring…and ring. You'd think he would have realized by now that 123- 4567 isn't a real phone number, but as stated before the guy is a real moron.  
  
The next day Anya stood in front of her mirror with a smile as wide as the horizon. She had gotten the call that she had made it to the next round and she was overwhelmed with happiness. Not only had she proved to herself that she could do it but she would never have to see that pathetic loser with his horrible come-ons and even more horrible breath ever again. He was way too stupid to ever make it to the callbacks. It just wasn't going to happen. It couldn't…  
  
Three hours later…  
  
"No…it can't be…" Anya stood paralyzed.  
  
Although the designated room for everyone who had made it was a tad crowded she picked him out as clear as day. At first she was just hoping that he was just another leather clad boy trying to look the part, but the minute he opened that big mouth of his to announce to the crowd that the man of the hour had arrived she knew it was him. She quickly turned around and shielded her face to hide herself, but it was far too late. His preditorial instincts had kicked in and he smelled her from a mile away.  
  
"Hey baby!" he yelled from across the room. He pushed through the crowd as if they were of no importance and when he got close enough he threw his arm around her. She cringed and growled loud enough so that he'd get the point that she didn't like to be touched. He didn't.  
  
"Do you mind?" she snapped.  
  
"Why do you keep asking me that? Of course I don't mind sticky buns!" he pulled her closer.  
  
"Sticky what?" she was part annoyed and part nauseous from his blatant overdose of cheap cologne, mostly annoyed though.  
  
"Man oh man, what a coincidence this is! I knew we had something, a special bond. It's magic I tell ya. You can smell it in the air!"  
  
"I can smell something, but I wouldn't call it magic." She muttered, holding her nose. "Please tell me you're here just to watch everyone who's in the finals."  
  
"Nope, I made it too hot lips. I guess they cut all those other zeros and went with the hero!" Anya had a most difficult time believing that malarkey.  
  
"Whatever! All I ask is that while I'm here you stay out of my way. I don't want you screwing this up for me understand?" she threw his arm off of her shoulders in disgust.  
  
"Me? Screw things up? I never screw anything up…unless that's how you like it baby if you get what I'm sayin'" he winked and nudged her with his elbow.  
  
"Unbelievable" was all she could say as she stormed away, grumbling obscenities to herself, Phoenix still calling after her.  
  
"Oh yeah I tried to call you last night, but your phone wasn't working. You know if you call AT&T they'll clear that right up for ya! Baby? Sticky buns? Ok! I'll catch you later!" he waved, but obviously she didn't return the gesture. "Man she so wants me!" 


	4. Big Sister Blues

Chapter 4: Big Sister Blues  
  
"Come on daddy I would be absolutely perfect for this part! Besides I doubt any of those other girls are even half as pretty as me!" Shana whined at the dinner table.  
  
"Or half as stupid…" her younger sister Meru quipped.  
  
"Daddy!" Shana whined louder and pointed at Meru.  
  
"Meru stop antagonizing you sister…" Mr. Lavitz grumbled, never looking up from his paper. Lavitz just happened to be the director of the famed Final Fantasy project and Shana and Meru were his daughters.  
  
"Daddy you know I'm perfect for the part…even mother said so!"  
  
"If I cared what you're mother thought I'd still be married to her." He said simply, turning the page of the newspaper.  
  
"I don't know why you'd want to play a stupid part in some game. Besides, everyone knows that the part you're going for is always the most hated character in the game."  
  
"Says who!"  
  
"People cheered when Aeris kicked the bucket and I can assure you it'll be twice great when you do. In fact I'll be leading the parade!" Meru sneered.  
  
"You're just jealous!" Shana admired herself in her reflection in her butter knife.  
  
"Hardly…" Meru pushed the peas around on her plate so it looked like she had eaten them.  
  
" Daddy I want to be in that game! I want it! I want it! I want it!" she was really quite annoying when she was like this, make that really annoying. Because of this her father gave her everything she wanted. Not because she was his favorite, but because he just wanted her to shut the hell up.  
  
"Fine! You want to be in the game…the part is yours…"  
  
Shana smiled widely; Meru rolled her eyes.  
  
"But only if you're sister plays a part too…"  
  
Shana gasped in horror; Meru choked on her baby carrots.  
  
"What?!" Meru screamed.  
  
"Daddy this isn't Ten Things I Hate About You, you can't do this to me!"  
  
"I can and I will. If your sister isn't in the game than neither are you and that's final."  
  
Mr. Lavitz smirked to himself. He was a genius. Now all the whining and gripping and bickering would be between the two of them and he could go on reading his paper in peace. Shana was at the point of tears. She threw down her napkin and stormed out of the room. Although Meru despised her older sister more than life itself, she did feel bad. She knew how much Shana wanted this part and how much she herself didn't want one. A pain began to grow inside her, some sinking bad feeling. What's it called…you know that feeling where you feel responsible for someone else's suffering…oh yeah…guilt. So, Meru swallowed her pride and venture up to Shana's room with a bowl of ice cream, fat free of course.  
  
"It's not fair" Shana sniffled "I'm the star! Who's going to notice me with your chubby face taking up the screen? That's if you have the heart to take the part in the first place." She blew her nose into a hanky, the sound similar to that of a foghorn. Meru gulped down, repressing her rage and forced out a smile.  
  
"Now now you're just upset, I know you don't mean that…"  
  
"Yes I do!" she cried. Meru gritted her teeth.  
  
"I wouldn't say such nasty things seeing as how I'm your only chance to even become a second rate actress." Shana stopped crying enough so realize she was going to have to kiss some major ass now. She dropped to the floor and bowed at Meru's feet.  
  
"Oh please Meru you just gotta do this for me. Can't you be unselfish for just once in your life?" someone needed to tell her she was horrible at kissing up.  
  
"You're really pushing it…"  
  
"Ok ok if you do this for me I'll…"  
  
"You'll switch rooms with me" Meru smiled wickedly.  
  
"But my room is bigger with the canopy bed and the veranda looking out over the city…"  
  
"I know"  
  
"But…"  
  
"Do you want the part or not?" Shana's lip quivered. She was being forced to give up her room, fit for a princess, to a lowly peasant.  
  
"Fine, fine! It's yours!"  
  
"Nice doing business with you!" Meru pushed Shana away from her, proud that for once she had some power over her.  
  
"I hate you…" Shana grumbled under her breath.  
  
"Oh and I wouldn't piss me off if I were you cause I can walk off the set anytime I want." She sneered once more, laughing evilly in a mock demonic tone as she left the room. 


End file.
